Sheilan Laing doesn害羞草研究所檛 like to talk about why he doesn害羞草研究所檛 play hockey.
Being unable to lace up his skates and get out there for a good skate 害羞草研究所� feeling the wind in his face as he picks up speed, hearing the crunch of his blades cutting into the ice and the sound of teammates and foes battling for the puck 害羞草研究所� not playing is a scar that runs deep with the 37 year old Chilliwack man.
When he thinks about why he害羞草研究所檚 not playing, old feelings bubble to the surface, and he relives the moment that forced him to the sidelines.
He feels frustration and anger as the images flash in his mind.
A playoff game in a men害羞草研究所檚 hockey league. A spirited battle along the boards. A vicious and totally unnecessary cross-check to the back of his head by an agitated opponent.
害羞草研究所淚 believe it was the final game of the final playoff series,害羞草研究所� Laing says. 害羞草研究所淚 was checking him along the boards, just working hard. I turned around to head off the ice for a line change, and guys from both teams say he hit me from behind in the head.
害羞草研究所淚 was knocked out before I even hit the ice.害羞草研究所�
Laing doesn害羞草研究所檛 remember any of that.
Instead, he remembers sitting in the dressing room crying, and the anguish he felt knowing that he was concussed.
Again.
害羞草研究所淚t wasn害羞草研究所檛 even anger that I felt,害羞草研究所� he says quietly. 害羞草研究所淭hat came later. What I felt in that moment was despair because I knew what I was going to have to go through everything all over again.害羞草研究所�
^
^
Laing was no stranger to concussions before that terrible night.
He figures he started down that path in bantam. He was a smaller player then, learning to hit and be hit, and he remembers 害羞草研究所渟eeing stars.害羞草研究所�
害羞草研究所淚 was knocked unconscious twice in my first year of bantam,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淏ut back then it was kind of, 害羞草研究所楪et your mind straight and get back out on the ice.
A few years later, after experiencing a significant growth spurt, Laing found himself playing junior B in Nelson.
He was hammered into the boards by an opponent and knocked out.
害羞草研究所淚 was probably out for a week or a week-and-a-half after that hit and I wasn害羞草研究所檛 feeling good whatsoever, but the team doctors said I was ready to go back in,害羞草研究所� Laing says. 害羞草研究所淚 told them I didn害羞草研究所檛 feel right, but it got to the point where the coach said, 害羞草研究所業f you don害羞草研究所檛 get back out on the ice, we害羞草研究所檙e going to be looking to trade you.害羞草研究所�
害羞草研究所淪o I got back out there, and within the first 10 minutes of my first game I got flattened by a guy and was concussed again.
害羞草研究所淪everal of my teammates told me later that the coach was yelling, 害羞草研究所楪et up you pussy!害羞草研究所櫤π卟菅芯克鶟
The Nelson coach was true to his word, trading Laing to the Castlegar Rebels soon after. Advised by a non-team affiliated doctor to stop playing hockey, Laing told Castlegar that he was walking away from junior B at 18 years old.
害羞草研究所淎t that point, I couldn害羞草研究所檛 even walk around without getting dizzy,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淚 had headaches all the time and the bright lights of a rink made me feel disoriented. That went on for years afterwards and the worst part is I blamed myself. I thought I wasn害羞草研究所檛 害羞草研究所榯ough enough害羞草研究所� to get through it, and I was the one who quit.害羞草研究所�
Through it all, Laing害羞草研究所檚 love of hockey never wavered.
He stopped because he had to, but he never lost the desire to play.
Laing grew up playing hockey with a lot of guys in Chilliwack, and figured the local men害羞草研究所檚 rec league would be a relatively safe way to scratch the hockey itch. Most of the players he played with and against knew something of his history and recognized that he was at high risk for another concussion.
害羞草研究所淚t害羞草研究所檚 not like there was an unwritten rule to not hit me or anything like that,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淏ut guys are pretty respectful about that type of thing. It害羞草研究所檚 supposed to be non-contact and I was a pretty big guy who could handle himself, but if there was a skirmish I害羞草研究所檇 just turn away or push around a bit and find a way to get out of it.害羞草研究所�
It was six years from leaving junior B to the night he was blindsided in the men害羞草研究所檚 league game.
Laing was now 26 years old, married with his first child on the way.
Laing only missed three works of work after the hit.
The after-effects of the concussion lasted way longer, wreaking havoc in his life.
He found that he could barely remember anything from his childhood, and memory lapses made it difficult to function at work, where he was a construction site foreman.
Depression and anxiety already plagued him, and got much worse as he struggled to regain what was lost.
害羞草研究所淚 resorted to a lot of drinking to get through it,害羞草研究所� he admits. 害羞草研究所淭hat took a toll on my marriage.害羞草研究所�
Laing actually started drinking and experimenting with drugs a lot earlier, when he was a teenager in Nelson. It害羞草研究所檚 a common story with young hockey players who move away from home and experience 害羞草研究所榝reedom害羞草研究所� for the first time, encouraged in their excess by teammates who are two or three years older. By the time he left junior B, the alcohol and drugs were as much about self-medicating as anything else.
害羞草研究所淚 didn害羞草研究所檛 know it at the time, I had no idea why I was doing it, but I was depressed and anxious and feeling horrible about myself and the shitty way that it (his hockey career) ended,害羞草研究所� Laing says. 害羞草研究所淏y the time it fell apart in Nelson, I was drinking to the point of blacking out,害羞草研究所� Laing says. 害羞草研究所淲hen I got back to Chilliwack I just partied for three or four years until I met my wife. Even after that, I was drinking way too much.害羞草研究所�
Up to and following the last concussion, it remained a major issue in his life. When he drank too much, he lost every shred of control. He was emotionally volatile, willing to fight anyone at the drop of a hat and he害羞草研究所檇 lash out at anyone, even his wife.
Fortunately, he married a woman (Jill) who was blessed with tremendous patience.
害羞草研究所淪he害羞草研究所檚 always been there for me,害羞草研究所� he says, smiling. 害羞草研究所淢any times our relationship has struggled because of the stuff I害羞草研究所檝e gone through and she害羞草研究所檚 stood by me. It害羞草研究所檚 not one thing she害羞草研究所檚 ever said or done, but I honestly don害羞草研究所檛 think there害羞草研究所檚 a chance I害羞草研究所檇 be here today without her.害羞草研究所�
In his lowest moments, Laing thought about walking away from life. Thinking about Jill and his two children was all that kept him going.
害羞草研究所淓very day I害羞草研究所檇 be driving down the road and I害羞草研究所檇 think, 害羞草研究所業 can just crash into that telephone pole or drive off this bridge, and I came very close,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淚 had pills for the depression and anxiety and I害羞草研究所檇 just stare at it thinking, 害羞草研究所業 could take the whole bottle.害羞草研究所�
害羞草研究所淚 thought about buying a gun. I thought about hanging myself in my garage. I didn害羞草研究所檛 care about myself and the only thing that brought me back was my wife and kids and thinking about the harm I害羞草研究所檇 be causing them.害羞草研究所�
A turn for the better came when Laing heard a radio advertisement for the Advanced Concussion Clinic in Vancouver.
The specialists were the first to show any understanding of what he was going through.
害羞草研究所淵ou have a broken arm and people can see that you害羞草研究所檙e hurt, but you have a concussion and no one knows how you害羞草研究所檙e feeling inside,害羞草研究所� Laing explains. 害羞草研究所淚 went to my family doctor for years and he had no idea what to do with me.
害羞草研究所淪o I drove all the way down to Oak Street in Vancouver on my own dime.害羞草研究所�
Since walking through the doors to that clinic, Laing has learned a ton about concussions and how to cope with the physical and mental havoc they create.
害羞草研究所淏ut I don害羞草研究所檛 think you ever feel normal again, you just feel like you害羞草研究所檙e a little better,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淭his last year, especially since I quit drinking alcohol, I think it害羞草研究所檚 given my brain more of an opportunity to heal. I害羞草研究所檝e worked on a lot of mental stuff through it all, therapy and everything, and I feel better than I have since I was 17.害羞草研究所�
But there are still times when he doesn害羞草研究所檛 feel well.
Eleven years later, there are moments when he struggles to remember the name of someone he met just five minutes ago.
He has a day planner. He literally writes everything down, because he has to.
害羞草研究所淯nless I write it down, I害羞草研究所檒l forget,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淭here are times when I go into a room with people I害羞草研究所檝e met a dozen times and I can害羞草研究所檛 remember their name, and there are times when I can害羞草研究所檛 remember the name of a certain product or pipe that I害羞草研究所檝e used for 15 years. I can害羞草研究所檛 get the word out and it gets embarrassing and frustrating because now they害羞草研究所檙e thinking I don害羞草研究所檛 know what I害羞草研究所檓 talking about. And that害羞草研究所檚 where anxiety comes in.害羞草研究所�
Playing hockey again? Still a dream.
Laing attempted to come back a couple times, playing four games here or five games there.
害羞草研究所淏ut I just couldn害羞草研究所檛 do it, because I get disoriented when my heart-rate gets too high,害羞草研究所� he laments. 害羞草研究所淭he last time I tried, I was out there for a shift and one of my teammates said, 害羞草研究所榥ice pass害羞草研究所� and I didn害羞草研究所檛 even know what they were talking about. They could see it. They could see that I wasn害羞草研究所檛 the same player anymore.
There was a point when revenge was on Laing害羞草研究所檚 mind and the only thing he thought about was getting back onto the ice so he could challenge the guy whose cheap shot triggered this nightmare.
He admits he even took steroids for a while, because the guy he害羞草研究所檇 be going after 害羞草研究所渋s a mean and tough cat.害羞草研究所�
Nowadays, he害羞草研究所檚 about forgiveness.
The man who did this too him has apologized many times since, pretty much every time the two run into each other in public.
A more mature Laing says life害羞草研究所檚 too short to hold grudges, even well-deserved ones.
But that doesn害羞草研究所檛 mean he害羞草研究所檚 cool with how it happened, how it was allowed to happen, and how it could happen again.
害羞草研究所淎 lot of the guys in the rec league have played rep or junior hockey their whole lives, so they have that competitiveness in them,害羞草研究所� he explains. 害羞草研究所淣ear the end of the year and into playoffs, we understand that it gets amped up a bit. There害羞草研究所檚 a little more body. A little more stick-work. Emotions run a little higher and we害羞草研究所檙e totally find with that. I was involved in that too.
害羞草研究所淏ut when it comes to cheap shots from behind or taking a guy害羞草研究所檚 knee out, that害羞草研究所檚 unacceptable.害羞草研究所�
The solution, he says, must be a zero tolerance policy, especially for hits to the head.
害羞草研究所淔irst offence, gone for the rest of the year. Second offence, gone for good,害羞草研究所� Laing says with conviction. 害羞草研究所淭hese are all guys trying to earn a living right? You can害羞草研究所檛 be taking three or four months off to recover from an injury. You get a guy who hip-checks someone and breaks his leg or dislocates his knee, and the guy who害羞草研究所檚 hit can害羞草研究所檛 go to work for four months. What do you do about that? That害羞草研究所檚 not right.害羞草研究所�
When Laing comes back, as he eventually still plans to do, he hopes to come back to a league that is safer that the one he left.
害羞草研究所淚 do miss it a lot,害羞草研究所� he says wistfully. 害羞草研究所淚 love the smell of the rink. I love walking in there and smelling the ice. The concession. The hockey gear. Say it害羞草研究所檚 weird, but those are the smells I害羞草研究所檝e grown up with my whole life. I love the people. I love being on the ice skating as fast as I can for a loose puck. Scoring goals. Making a big play. All those things. Being on the ice or in the dressing room, just joking around. You miss that stuff.害羞草研究所�
And now that he害羞草研究所檚 finally putting his story out in the open, Laing also hopes that other concussion victims realize that they害羞草研究所檙e not alone.
害羞草研究所淚害羞草研究所檓 at the point now where I害羞草研究所檓 feeling better about myself and I can be a positive influence for someone who害羞草研究所檚 might be going through exactly what I害羞草研究所檝e been through,害羞草研究所� he says. 害羞草研究所淚f anyone reaches out to me, I害羞草研究所檇 love to help them get through it quicker than I did, because it took a very long time for me.害羞草研究所�
eric.welsh@theprogress.com
Like us on and follow us on .
