Marissa Lasoff-Santos and the person she would marry quickly fell head over heels in love.
Lasoff-Santos was a gay woman. Her girlfriend was a bisexual woman 害羞草研究所� or so they thought. Now her partner has become her husband, and they both identify as queer. And things are better than ever.
害羞草研究所淲e害羞草研究所檝e always just had this deep connection, so that害羞草研究所檚 why, like, I never stopped loving him throughout any of this,害羞草研究所� says Lasoff-Santos, a 33-year-old librarian in Michigan. 害羞草研究所淚害羞草研究所檝e become more attracted to him. I guess part of it is just, like, that confidence in him and, like, he just seems so happy.害羞草研究所�
Lasoff-Santos害羞草研究所� relationship and others like it show that a partner害羞草研究所檚 gender transition does not necessarily mean a death sentence for a marriage. Data is scant, but couples and therapists say that in many cases, a relationship grows and flourishes under the light of new honesty.
Such marriages, when they do prevail, can underscore the resilience of love, the flexibility of sexual identity and the diversity in 20 years after the in the U.S. and with in its sixth decade.
害羞草研究所淓ven though he was the one transitioning, I felt like I was going through my own transition,害羞草研究所� Lasoff-Santos says. 害羞草研究所淚t was definitely hard to not, I guess, come across as kind of selfish, because I was going through all these emotions, and he was going through his own journey.害羞草研究所�
Kristie Overstreet, a sexologist and psychotherapist who says she has worked with trans people for 18 years, says about 2 in 5 relationships survive a transition. And Kelly Wise, a sex therapist in Pennsylvania, estimates that about half of relationships in his practice that experience a gender transition end 害羞草研究所� for many reasons.
害羞草研究所淕ender identity milestones often arise around times that many things are evolving within people and their relationships,害羞草研究所� Wise says in an email.
A recent U.S. Census Bureau doesn害羞草研究所檛 reflect marriages in transition because the bureau doesn害羞草研究所檛 about gender identity.
Avril Clark operates Distinction Support, an online network that helps supportive partners of trans and nonbinary people. Her spouse, a soccer referee at the time, came out as transgender in 2018, changed her name to Lucy and brought the couple Before then, Avril says, they had kept their arrangement private and 害羞草研究所渓ived a double life害羞草研究所� for 15 years.
害羞草研究所淚 needed somebody to talk to that knew how I was feeling,害羞草研究所� Avril says. 害羞草研究所淎nd I looked around, and there weren害羞草研究所檛 any groups that were for me. They were full of people that were very angry and bitter and didn害羞草研究所檛 want anybody else害羞草研究所檚 relationship to work because their relationship hadn害羞草研究所檛 worked.害羞草研究所�
Lucy Clark says Avril had been pressing her to come out for years, 害羞草研究所渂ut I didn害羞草研究所檛 because I thought it would affect football. And I loved football and had it in my mind that I would give it up.害羞草研究所� She didn害羞草研究所檛, and she now manages Sutton United Women in south London.
Avril Clark says that when she took over Distinction in 2017, it had about 50 members worldwide, but now there are 害羞草研究所渨ay over 500.害羞草研究所�
害羞草研究所淚害羞草研究所檝e got this group with all these people on it, all fighting, some of them fighting to make their relationship work,害羞草研究所� she says.
The Reddit group r/mypartneristrans, which describes itself as 害羞草研究所渁 supportive, educational, and safe space for the partners of trans and gender-diverse people,害羞草研究所� counts 61,000 members.
Topics include questions about how to handle Mother害羞草研究所檚 Day and Father害羞草研究所檚 Day; unwelcoming relatives; sex and pregnancy; and how to categorize a cisgender partner害羞草研究所檚 sexual orientation. In other words, now that I害羞草研究所檓 a woman married to a woman, does that make me a lesbian?
Clark says some people call themselves 害羞草研究所渉eteroflexible.害羞草研究所�
害羞草研究所淚t doesn害羞草研究所檛 mean 害羞草研究所業 am a lesbian害羞草研究所� or 害羞草研究所業害羞草研究所檓 a gay person,害羞草研究所櫤π卟菅芯克鶟 she says. 害羞草研究所淚t just means, 害羞草研究所楩or this one person I am prepared to be flexible.害羞草研究所櫤π卟菅芯克鶟
She estimates her group is 90% cisgender women and 5% transgender or who may also have a partner in transition. The remaining 5% are cisgender husbands, she says.
For people already in a same-sex relationship, a partner害羞草研究所檚 gender transition can bring angst but also self-discovery.
Lasoff-Santos says she had previously wondered if she could ever be married to a man. 害羞草研究所淎nd I always said no. And I think it害羞草研究所檚 hilarious just now that I am.害羞草研究所�
Couples in transition find different ways to address life from 害羞草研究所渂efore害羞草研究所� 害羞草研究所� trips, memories, weddings, anniversaries, family events, photos.
害羞草研究所淭he partner that isn害羞草研究所檛 transitioning may want to display and still share all of these versus their partner who may not want these visible or talked about,害羞草研究所� Overstreet says in an email.
Lasoff-Santos and her husband married in 2018 as he was beginning his transition. They had a son in 2021. When her husband shows their son pictures of himself pre-transition, it害羞草研究所檚 just 害羞草研究所淧apa with long hair,害羞草研究所� Lasoff-Santos says.
One partner may sense a shift the other does not. Emily Wilkinson, 33, who lives near Seattle, says she doesn害羞草研究所檛 doubt 害羞草研究所渢hat I love Cameron and will continue to love Cameron.害羞草研究所� But her vision of their love has changed since her spouse began transitioning last year.
For Cameron, 39, 害羞草研究所淥ur love doesn害羞草研究所檛 feel any different to me, but I害羞草研究所檓 not the one who has to adjust in our relationship.害羞草研究所� They spoke on the condition that their last name not be used to avoid potential consequences at work, where they are not out.
There can be joy in coaching a partner in their new identity.
Rhiannon Rippke-Koch, 45, lives in a small city in Iowa with Sophia Koch, her recently transitioned wife of the same age. She recalls the first time Sophia got to be herself for a whole weekend, during a trip to Des Moines.
害羞草研究所淚 took her to Victoria害羞草研究所檚 Secret and had them measure her for a bra,害羞草研究所� Rippke-Koch says. 害羞草研究所淎nd I took her to Sephora, and they did, you know, the whole makeup thing where, you know, with color palettes, and showed her how to do her eyeshadow and foundation and all that sort of stuff. So 害羞草研究所敽π卟菅芯克鶟
害羞草研究所淚t was awesome,害羞草研究所� Sophia finishes, beaming.
The couple also bond over experiences Sophia previously denied herself because of notions about masculinity 害羞草研究所� musicals, flowers. Rhiannon says they害羞草研究所檙e now 害羞草研究所渕uch more intimate, and not even in a sexual way. But we talk about things more. We have more things in common now than we did before.害羞草研究所�
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