A lot of work goes into making a household run smoothly, and the thread that runs through all the labor is money. It害羞草研究所檚 money that makes it possible to fix a broken appliance, enroll the kids in summer camp and save up to replace the aging car. The mental load of money can be heavy. It害羞草研究所檚 made up of those endless invisible tasks we engage in, and the future tasks we lie awake at night thinking about.
害羞草研究所淚 think it is important to mention the emotional weight that comes with worrying about money. Do we have enough for rent next month? Are we saving enough for college?害羞草研究所� Kate Mangino, author of 害羞草研究所淓qual Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home,害羞草研究所� said in an email. 害羞草研究所淭hose kinds of worries tend to chip away at our emotional health, especially if we think our partner doesn害羞草研究所檛 share this worry, and we害羞草研究所檙e alone in carrying that weight.害羞草研究所�
When it comes to the mental load of managing financial responsibilities, couples can fall into unproductive patterns that can lead to conflict, resentment and even willful ignorance. If money management feels unbalanced in your relationship, here are some ways to rethink your routine.
APPROACH MONEY AS EQUALS
If one person takes on most or all money tasks, there can be a tendency to fall into a manager/follower dynamic, which can create a power imbalance in your relationship.
Additionally, when one person is in charge and the other does tasks as assigned without understanding the full picture, it can leave that second person in the dark. 害羞草研究所淭he person who is 害羞草研究所榮pared害羞草研究所� having to think about this stuff will become less financially literate over time,害羞草研究所� Scott Rick, author of 害羞草研究所淭ightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships,害羞草研究所� said in an email. 害羞草研究所淭his will leave them especially vulnerable if the relationship ends, either through divorce or the death of their partner.害羞草研究所�
Equality doesn害羞草研究所檛 mean each person must be 50% responsible for every task, or even that you each take on 50% of tasks, but rather that you acknowledge that in your shared success.
LIST AND ASSIGN MONEY TASKS
Schedule a money date or two to make a comprehensive financial to-do list. Who is responsible for which task currently, and how did it become their responsibility? Should any of these tasks be switched to the other person? Is anything not getting done?
Break down each task into a list of subtasks. Let害羞草研究所檚 say you both want to work with a financial planner, and one of you takes responsibility for finding one. Those subtasks can be:
害羞草研究所� Get three names of financial planners that meet your shared requirements (such as a fee-only planner, or someone with specific professional credentials).
害羞草研究所� Contact those planners to inquire whether they害羞草研究所檙e taking on new clients.
害羞草研究所� Schedule consultations at a time that害羞草研究所檚 also convenient for your spouse or partner, and prepare any needed financial documents in advance of those meetings.
害羞草研究所淚t is important to recognize that managing money is only one of many tasks required to run a household, so these types of conversations should not happen in isolation,害羞草研究所� Brian Page, founder of Modern Husbands, a community that shares ideas to manage money and the home as a team, said in an email. 害羞草研究所淏e considerate of the other household burdens you each tackle.害羞草研究所�
OWN YOUR TASKS FROM START TO FINISH
As you list your tasks, discuss what 害羞草研究所渄one害羞草研究所� looks like for each. Set parameters, a budget and other expectations. Then, you each select tasks to accomplish on your own, with periodic check-ins.
Some tasks are complicated, but take them one step at a time. This is not the time for weaponized incompetence (though, in a partnership, it害羞草研究所檚 never a good move to feign incompetence to get out of a responsibility). If you害羞草研究所檙e stuck on a subtask, you can talk about it when you check in with each other.
害羞草研究所淩emember 害羞草研究所� everything money related is a skill, and skills can be learned. There害羞草研究所檚 no 害羞草研究所業害羞草研究所檓 just bad with money害羞草研究所� excuse,害羞草研究所� Mangino said. 害羞草研究所淵ou just need to prioritize learning that skill, and practice. And practice. And in time, you get better.害羞草研究所�
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